From the recording Talkin' Faulty Intelligence Blues
I hope Glen Beck hates this song
Talkin’ Faulty Intelligence Blues
Facts are pretty curious things
to use or disregard.
Like 90% of bird species are monogamous.
Only 3% of mammels are.
Obviously monogamy is for the birds
Aglets are those plastic things
on the end of your shoe laces.
An ant always falls on its right side
when it’s intoxicated.
That must be a government study.
Seems like a waste of good whisky, though.
In the air a bunch of birds is a flight,
on the ground they’re called a flock.
is a terrible fear of clocks.
In Chicago it’s illegal for a woman over 200 pounds
to ride a horse in shorts.
Probably a good law.
Nobody wants to see a horse wearing shorts.
A bunch of crows is called a murder.
Car horns beep an F
A headless cockroach lives nine days
until it starves to death.
I bet the guy who figured that out was the same one who got the ants drunk. Just the ants and the PhD, drinkin’ and cuttin’ off cockroach heads.
Your strongest muscle is the tongue
whatever you must lick.
And you’re consecotaleophobic
if you fear chopsticks.
In 1714 the Catholic Church decreed that men confessing to fornication need no longer name their partners in sin. Too many priests were making improper use of the information.
A group of cats is called a clowder,
waterboarding gets false confessions.
And dirt contains bacteria
that helps you fight depression.
I’ve been watching the news and eating a lot of dirt lately. During the Bush administration, I ate Kansas.
Polar bears are left handed.
A bunch of goats is called a tribe.
In Rome, men swore on their testicles;
that’s where we get testify.
Americans eat 18 acres
of pizza every day.
And as long as you’re a blood donor,
dueling’s legal in Paraguay.
So what?you might wonder:
I heard a story one time: Neighbor comes over and says, “Can I borrow your axe?”
Guy says “I can’t lend you my axe, I have to make soup.”
Neighbor says “What does making soup have to do with you lending me your axe?”
Guy says, “Well, it really doesn’t have anything to do with it,
but if I don’t want to lend you my axe,
one excuse is about as good as another.”
So you might use these facts one day;
just keep them in your drawer.
Then pull some out whenever you need
an excuse to start a war.
One’s about as good as another.
Pick and choose
Take the first half of one and stick it with the second half of another and you’ll have a third fact.
It won’t make sense to anyone else, but it’ll be true, because you say it is.